Avoiding Evil

I have just completed my good deed for the day. I went over to my friends house and installed a ceiling fan for them, since the electric company wouldn’t do it. I don’t really mind because I have lots of experience installing ceiling fans and electric outlets and so on, but it doesn’t matter how many times you do it, you can always count on things going wrong everytime!

The following is a list of things that will happen to you if you attempt to install a ceilling fan:

1. When you begin to remove the old light fixture and mounting bracket the ceiling will cave in on you. You can count on peices of ceiling being in your hair, your eyes, your nose, your mouth, and just about any other part of your body exposed to the outside world. Having a chunk of dry wall fall down into your mouth is not the best of experiences…

2. You will always have the wrong tool. No matter how many times you climb down off of the ladder, pickup a tool, and drag it back up the ladder it will still end up being the wrong one. After you have successfully climbed up and down the latter fourteen times you will have finally gotten one screw in.

3. You will always drop the screws. That is “screws” plural because by the end of the day you will have dropped every screw successfully three times a peice. So you go up the ladder, lift the ceiling fan moter up with one hand, and suddenly tink, tink, tink, there goes the screw across the floor. So it’s back down the ladder, getting on hands and knees searching for the lost screw, until finally you find it under the dresser. You pick up the screw, go back up the ladder, begin the process all over again and then suddenly, tink, tink, tink. Down the latter pick up the screw, up the latter drop the screw, until you are so tired of the stupid screw that you say screw it, and chuck the screw accross the room, down the stairs and into the air conditioning vent.

4. Screws are not the only thing that you will drop from the ladder. At any given moment you could possible drop the screwdriver, the heads to the screwdriver, the washers, a fan blade, the fan moter (although I would not suggest that one), the wire caps, the tape, and so on.

5. Finally you can count on taking everything that you put together apart again about three times. It doesn’t matter how many times you get the fan together you will always remember something that you were supposed to do, like connecting the groundwire, so that you have to take everything back apart again.

I hope this has given you an idea of what to prepare for the next time you want to install a ceiling fan.

Pressed

It is getting rather frightening around here. A month ago no one would have noticed them slowly beginning to take form, but now, now they are beginning to be noticed everywhere. Everywhere you go today it’s likely you will see one or two moving about the earth, so identical and so real. They are sleak and smooth, so much so that it is hard not to notice them. I am convinced that this is their mode of attack. It takes only one look and instantly you are pulled into their trap. It is so unreal at how many are beginning to reveal themselves in every city all over the United States. I was attacked and sucked in and so were two of my friends. There are others that have been taken as well by these magnificant cloned machines.

What is their attack? Your pocket book. They draw you in to their gaze, they entice you, and suddenly you’re signing your life savings away. One minute everything is perfectly normal, and the next minute you are broke and wondering what in the world happened to you. I followed my friend into the very layer that I was drawn into, only to be frightenend even more. All of the beautiful beasts that I had seen enticing me just weeks earlier were gone, which means they have attacked several other people as well. I do not know what will happen as all of these clones hit the streets, but I can only hope for the best.

I write this only to warn the people of the United States. These clones like to hang out at used and new car lots, so avoid these places at all times. It only takes one look to be drawn in and attacked, so do not even go near them. You will notice the clone when you see it. It will be black in color, slick, smooth, and shiney. It will have four doors, shiney chrome wheels, and a decal on the sides and back of it that says Grand Am GT. They come in all different ages and maturity levels, so that some are more attractive and smarter than others, but that just draws you in even more. They are fast little buggars so do not let them spot you. If you see one, quickly go the other direction and call your local authorities as soon as possible. Save yourselves!

Pressed